I was supposed to write this blog on Wednesday.
Instead, I spent Wednesday doing something that felt both uncomfortable and important.
I started counselling.
As an Emotional Wellbeing Coach, that’s probably not the opening you were expecting.
After all, shouldn’t I have it all figured out by now?
And there it is.
The word I didn’t realise I was saying quite so often.
Should.
During my counselling session, my counsellor gently reflected back how often I used that word.
It surprised me.
Not because I don’t know the impact language can have on our thoughts and emotions.
I teach this stuff.
I help other people notice the stories they tell themselves and soften the language they use.
Yet there I was.
Shoulding all over myself.
When it was pointed out, I felt a quick squeeze in my chest and tummy.
A bit like a child caught with their hand in the biscuit tin.
A mixture of embarrassment, surprise and curiosity.
And since then I’ve been paying attention.
Not trying to change it.
Not judging it.
Just noticing it.
The List Of Shoulds
I should be able to lose weight.
I should know better.
I shouldn’t eat so many sweet things.
I should be more disciplined.
By now I should have closed the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it.
At my age I should have more self-control.
Because I’m a coach, I should be able to do this for myself.
And underneath all of those “shoulds” was a feeling I hadn’t fully recognised.
A feeling of being behind.
Of somehow not measuring up.
Of failing an exam nobody else was even setting.
Why We Feel On Edge Even When Life Is Calm
June is PTSD Awareness Month, and one of the topics I wanted to explore was why some people still feel on edge even when life is calm.
We often think danger comes from outside us.
Sometimes it does.
But sometimes the threat our nervous system is responding to is much closer to home.
Sometimes it’s the voice in our own head.
The one constantly telling us:
You should be doing more.
You should be further along.
You should have sorted this by now.
You should know better.
No wonder we struggle to relax.
No wonder we find it difficult to feel safe.
No wonder our nervous system stays alert.
If someone followed you around all day criticising you, you’d probably feel anxious too.
What Would You Say To Someone You Love?
As I sat with all of this, I asked myself a question.
If a woman came to me and said:
“I’m overweight.”
“I know what I should do.”
“I can’t seem to follow through.”
“I’m letting myself down.”
What would I say?
The answer surprised me.
I wouldn’t start giving her advice.
I’d simply ask:
“And what?”
Are you less worthy because you’re carrying extra weight?
Are you less deserving of love?
Are you less valuable?
If your child was in this situation, would you love them any less?
If your best friend said these things about herself, what would you say?
I suspect most of us would respond with kindness.
Compassion.
Understanding.
We’d probably say:
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Yet somehow we struggle to offer that same compassion to ourselves.
Some Things Can Be True Without Becoming A Judgement
One thing counselling reminded me this week is that facts are not the same as judgements.
Yes, I carry extra weight.
Yes, I struggle with consistency.
Yes, I have AuDHD.
Yes, there are things I’d like to change.
Those things may be factually true.
But they don’t justify criticism.
They don’t make me less worthy.
And they certainly don’t mean I deserve to be spoken to harshly.
What My Body Needs
One of the biggest shifts for me this week came when I stopped and thought:
My body is doing extraordinary things.
She has carried me through stress, trauma, grief, joy, recovery and now cancer.
She keeps going.
She keeps trying.
She keeps showing up for me.
She needs my support.
Not my judgement.
Not my criticism.
Not my harshness.
She needs my help.
And perhaps yours does too.
A Gentle Invitation
Over the coming days, simply notice how often you use the word “should”.
Not to change it.
Not to correct it.
Just to notice it.
And when you hear it, pause and ask:
Would I say this to someone I love?
If the answer is no, perhaps there is a gentler way to speak to yourself.
Perhaps that’s where healing begins.
Ready For Support?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, anxious, emotionally exhausted or stuck in patterns of self-criticism, I offer:
Nervous System Reset Sessions
1:1 Emotional Wellbeing Coaching
Self-Guided Wellbeing Resources
Helpful Resources
NHS Every Mind Matters:
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters
Mind:
https://www.mind.org.uk
Mental Health Foundation:
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk
What To Read Next
Why Do We Expect Ourselves To Bounce Back So Quickly?
Sometimes Surviving Isn’t The Finish Line
Why Do I Feel Overwhelmed All The Time?