I tell people I had a breakdown which led to my breakthrough. Those same people then ask me why I am not reaching out and helping people that are burnt out. The truth is because I didn’t think I knew anything about burnout. However, when I looked at the definition of a nervous breakdown and the definition of burnout (see below), I can see that I ended up having my breakdown because I was burnt out. I might not have had the breakdown if I had put boundaries in place earlier and found a way to deal with the stresses of the situations.
‘“Nervous breakdown” isn’t a medical diagnosis. But, it’s a type of mental or emotional health crisis. You may feel an overwhelming amount of stress, anxiety or depression. In turn, you’re not able to function in daily life.’ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22780-nervous-breakdown
“‘Burnout’ is recognised by the World Health Organization (WHO) as an ‘occupational phenomenon’. While it is not a medical or mental health condition, it has been classified as a syndrome, meaning a collection of symptoms or signs associated with a specific health-related cause. Burnout is a state of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. It can occur when you experience long-term stress and feel under constant pressure.” https://mentalhealth-uk.org/burnout/
Although the definitions above cover both conditions well, they do not convey any of the emotion or difficulty faced by anyone suffering from either of these conditions.
I can only tell you about my experience and my condition. Whilst I would hope that no-one else would suffer like this the truth is “91% of UK adults report that they experienced high or extreme levels of pressure or stress in the last year.” https://euc7zxtct58.exactdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/16142505/Mental-Health-UK_The-Burnout-Report-2025.pdf
91%!
The headings and symptoms below are quoted from the pdf noted above from Mental Health UK but the story below each symptom is mine. I can only write about what I experienced; you may be able to relate to my experience or some of the symptoms on the list, but you will have your own story to tell.
Physical Symptoms
Feeling tired or exhausted most of the time and Frequent insomnia and night disturbances. (I put two points together here)
I was tired all the time, not just tired but exhausted. When I went to bed at night, I was going over everything that had happened that day, multiple times, then I would go through what I would be doing the next day or some point in the future (living in the past and future, not in the present). Because I was going over conversations at work and who said what and what did they really mean by that etc. I was exhausted, so I drank coffee maybe 5 cups a day. Which meant then I wouldn’t sleep that night. Well, I would sleep but not until about 5am and have to get up again at 7am. Exhausted.
Frequent Headaches and Muscle or joint pain (I put two points together here)
I had the most awful pain in my shoulders, the bit where my neck and shoulders crossed, and I kept getting trapped nerves in that part of the neck, which gave me severe pain down into my arms and hands and up over my head, this meant I had to go for physio multiple times. Twice at the physio I had two physiotherapists working on me, one holding my shoulders down whilst the other pulled my head up to elongate the neck separating the vertebrae and releasing the nerve; they also gave me acupuncture for the pain. This was all due to me wearing my shoulders like earrings due to the stress and sitting hunched at my desk.
Gastrointestinal problems
I had what was diagnosed as IBS and I was in and out of the Doctors several times with samples to see what was going on. Well turns out your digestive system goes offline when in stressful situations. Plus, I was diary intolerant. Now I only suffer if I take something with milk in it. Would you believe that it was this symptom that sent me to a kinesiologist who first suggested stress might be a cause to all the problems I was having.
High Blood Pressure
Two days after I seen the kinesiologist I went to the Dr, and I was signed off a month. I did go back for about a fortnight during which time I was put on a blood pressure monitor. When the reading came back it was very clear what time I went into work and what time I left; my blood pressure was in the green until I entered the building at 10am when it rose sharply into the red zone and stayed there until I left work at 4pm! A few days later in work I as talking on the phone to someone and saying I could take a stroke and not even know it was coming because I couldn’t feel my blood pressure rising there were no warning signals. About an hour later I had to go home as I thought I was taking a heart attack due to the pain in my chest, arm and head. Turns out it was a massive panic attack, the biology of which I would learn sometime later in a “Stress Control NI” course are very similar and therefore easily confused. That was my last day in full time permanent employment.
Emotional Symptoms
Feeling helpless, trapped and/or defeated.
All of this was happening after I had cancer. I worked in local Government, and it was a good, steady salary, paid holidays, with a pension and death in service benefits, all this meant I felt trapped I couldn’t leave, we couldn’t afford for me to leave. Plus, I have an over developed sense of good conscience, and I didn’t want to let the people I worked with, and for, down. I couldn’t see a way out.
Feeling detached and alone in the world
As I grew sicker. I isolated myself because I felt like a burden. I stopped going out with friends. There was a What’s App group chat for our little section in work, and the chat was all about a Christmas dinner that I wasn’t going to and although consciously I knew the remarks were not at me I felt that they were, I was becoming paranoid, I explained to the admin of the group how I felt and that I knew logically it wasn’t like that but that didn’t change how I felt, and I left the group chat.
Feeling demotivated or having a cynical view on life
The funders had changed how they were doing things, now they counted people rather than measured the quality of the conversations and the personnel had changed, the new people were statisticians who didn’t understand about changing hearts and mind, they wanted fancy graphs. The local government body that worked for had merged with another one, the values and ethos were not the same. If this was all happening to me now, I would like to believe that I would be able to see the opportunities, the advantages that the fancy graphs promoted our work, the statistics showed we were getting this done. But I definitely couldn’t see it then.
Lacking sense of satisfaction and achievement
My job became more about the paperwork and less about working with people and that really didn’t sit well with me and became a major frustration, especially when we were told not to go out and work with certain people which was not the style before the amalgamation. I get it now, they didn’t know us (the people from the other local government organisation) and they didn’t trust us and if I had patience they might have gotten to know us and know we are good people but they didn’t and so they stopped us going out and working directly with people and that really frustrated me.
Loss of interest and enjoyment
Hmmm difficult to see any joy in that time. I know my daughter passed her A levels and I know I went to my friends Christmas parties which I always thoroughly enjoyed but nothing else really stands out. I didn’t go to the gym or dance classes or anything that I can remember.
Persistent feelings of dread, worry and anxiety
Oh lord, all the above. I was worried the cancer was back all the time. I was worried about death. I was worried I would never be well again. I had permanent anxiety about work whether it was other members of staff not doing their job (none of my business), or the lack of staff at times – at one point we should have had nine members of staff there was me, a temporary manager and a temp who didn’t really know what he was doing as he wasn’t there long enough to know the role; and the work still had to be done of all nine positions
Anxiety about funding applications. Anxiety about budgets. Things that wouldn’t necessarily stress me out in the past or at least not that much where now a major source of angst.
Dread was a persistent companion. I dreaded going in to work. I dreaded lying awake all night. I dreaded talking to some people. I was asked to give a speech about a group I was really proud of, proud the length of time they had been going, how much they had developed, the hard conversations they had, the changes they made and the difference they were making in their community and I couldn’t get up off the seat as the anxiety and dread of making a fool of myself and being judged hit so hard, in fact I wouldn’t even let them take a photo of me that day!
Behavioural Symptoms
Procrastination and taking longer to complete things
I think if the three managers I had over that period could read this they would laugh in a derisive way. Not only did I procrastinate and take longer to do things I argued every point with everyone along the way. Even things at home like what we would eat for dinner, and I would leave it so late and so long we would end up getting take aways or microwaveable dinners.
Difficulty concentrating
Again, my managers would laugh, I used to ‘space out’ at which point they knew the conversation was over and they would have to come back to it later. Now I could (if I allowed myself to) sit from 9am and work to 6 or 7 pm, only going to the toilet and to get a decaf tea or decaf coffee. Then I had to get up every 50 minutes and go for a walk, I had to break activities into smaller chunks rather than tackling something all in one go.
Becoming isolated and withdrawn from people
I said this above under the physical symptom feeling detached and alone in the world: As I grew sicker. I isolated myself because I felt like a burden. I stopped going out with friends. There was a What’s App group chat for our little section in work, and the chat was all about a Christmas dinner that I wasn’t going to and although consciously I knew the remarks were not at me I felt that they were, I was becoming paranoid, I explained to the admin of the group how I felt and that I knew logically it wasn’t like that, and I left the group chat.
Reliant on food, drugs or alcohol to cope
I love that this symptom says ‘or’ how about ‘and’. Food and drugs (over the counter pain medication for headaches trapped nerves etc) and alcohol. I now only take pain medication when absolutely necessary and will try alternatives before I take tablets. I will be off alcohol for five years in June 2025. I am still working through the food issues; I believe I have turned a corner, and I am now getting there but this was an issue from I was about 12 years old and unlike the quantum leapers it was always going to take me some time to turn that one around.
Irritable and short tempered, likely to have outbursts and take frustrations out on others
Oh yes! And in the worst possible way too because I would take it out on the people at home that I love very much and deserved it the least, to my utter shame. Not that the people in work got off scot-free. I did and still do make apologies to everyone for my behaviour during that period.
Increased tardiness, being late for work and/or higher absenteeism
Yes, yes and yes. Although the lateness is a thing in my life linked to the AuDHD, I don’t really have a great concept of time and was on daily report for what felt like my whole school life, if only they had known about AuDHD. Maybe if I had known, and work had known maybe then some adjustments could have been made.
Was any or all of this preventable?
Well, now, then, that is a big question. I have two theories around this. I believe that when life becomes very difficult, I am being told that I am not on the wrong path, and I am being pushed onto a different path. And yes, I do believe that it was preventable, if I had known about and practised the tools I know about and practise now I could have self-regulated myself far better and coped with all the changes. But I do believe I was meant to leave work and learn all these tools and come out into the world to help other people. However, some of these issues were to do with the AuDHD, the fear of recurring cancer, the early menopause brought on by the removal of the ovary, and these all exacerbated the problems.
What’s going on for me now?
If you go and look at that pdf you will see I had every one of the symptoms to varying degrees. Yet now, I am one of the most positive people I know. I guard my boundaries and access to my mind zealously. I take care of my emotional wellbeing every single day. This is what drives me. To never go back there. To use all the tools I can use to not go back to that very dark place where a permanent solution seemed the only solution to a temporary problem. I want to help people to never feel like that. I want to teach people all the tools I know and encourage them to practise a few chosen tools daily, so they regain control of their lives. I want to coach people that are in recovery from this type of situation. To help bring the best out of them, because I know it’s in there, I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself. You are not broken; you are having a biological reaction to a situation. You may be burnt out, and if you keep going after you become burnt out you may experience a breakdown, please know that is not the whole story and it is not the end, there is hope, because my breakdown became my breakthrough. Trust me, if the absolute mess that was me can do it, you can too.